The Camden County New Jersey Compassionate Friends Website

July 2008 Newsletter      

The Final Chapter & Closing

 It’s been 14 years, 7 months since my daughter, Jennifer, was killed - 7 years, 3 months since my husband, Walt, was murdered and only 2 years, 6 months since my son, Peter, died. With hesitation I made an offer on a house near Lancaster, PA. On Father’s Day I went to the cemetery where I cried and tried to explain how difficult things were getting for me and hope they understood. My offer was accepted so now my house is on the market. After I signed the contract, I walked room to room, looking at one picture after another, crying uncontrollably. I could see and feel my children and husband everywhere, one flashback after another, memory after memory. Could I really leave this house after 31 years??? Jennifer was 5 and Peter was only 1 when we moved here. The school years, friends, sports, dates, proms and graduations were in this house...holidays, birthdays, barbecues, parades, swim parties - the list goes on and on.

Do I have the courage and strength to do this all by myself? The packing and furniture is not nearly as difficult as the emotional and mental strain. I will take their bedroom sets and most of their personal belongings but I know it will never be the same. The final chapter of what was will be gone and the cover to the life I once knew will close. I trust in God if this is to be it will be and if not it won’t happen. I will carry their love and memories deep within my heart and talk about them to anyone I meet.

If you have experienced something like this, please come and share at our next meeting. If not, we can talk about anything you might be dealing with, as always.

Thank you!

Jennifer & Peter’s Mom

Jenny Feyt

“A life well lived is worth remembering."

     Sascha's Corner    

Uneasy Word

 Hope is not an easy word for grievers-

              but we, more than most others,

              need to understand

              what hope can mean for us.

Hope means finding the strength

              to live with grief.

Hope means nurturing with grace

              the joy of remembrance.

Hope means embracing

              with tenderness and pride

our own life

and the gifts left to us

by those we have lost.

                    Sascha Wagner, For You, from Sascha

                                    DENNIS M. FOLTZ JR

                                    8/7/1974 TO 1/27/1997

                                                      &  

                                       MARK  ZIEMINSKI

                                    8/7/1969 TO 1/26/2008

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME AND I’M NOT THERE TO SEE—IF THE SUN SHOULD RISE AND FIND YOUR EYES ALL FILLED WITH TEARS FOR ME -I WISH SO MUCH YOU WOULDN’T CRY – THE WAY YOU DID TODAY –WHILE THINKING, OF THE MANY THINGS WE DIDN’T GET TO SAY, I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME--AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU--AND EACH TIME THAT YOU THINK OF ME—I KNOW I’LL MISS YOU TOO—BUT WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME-PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND-THAT THE ANGELS CAME & CALLED MY NAME-AND TOOK ME BY THE HAND—AND SAID MY PLACE WAS READY-IN HEAVEN FAR ABOVE-AND THAT I’D HAVE TO LEAVE BEHIND ALL THOSE I DEARLY LOVE. BUT AS I TURNED TO WALK AWAY-A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE-FOR ALL MY LIFE I’D ALWAYS THOUGHT-I DID NOT WANT TO DIE.

I HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR—SO MUCH LEFT YET TO DO—IT SEEMED ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE-THAT I’D BE LEAVING YOU-I THOUGHT OF ALL THE YESTERDAYS, THE GOOD ONES AND THE BAD-I THOUGHT OF ALL THE LOVE WE SHARED AND ALL THE FUN WE HAD. IF I COULD RELIVE YESTERDAY – JUST EVEN FOR A WHILE---I’D SAY GOODBYE AND KISS YOU-AND MAYBE SEE YOU SMILE. BUT THEN I FULLY REALIZED-THAT THIS COULD NEVER BE-FOR EMPTINESS & MEMORIES WILL TAKE THE PLACE OF ME. AND WHEN I THOUGHT OF WORLDLY THINGS I MIGHT MISS COME TOMORROW-I THOUGHT OF YOU AND WHEN I DID-MY HEART WAS FILLED WITH SORROW.

BUT THEN I WALKED THRU HEAVENS GATE AND FELT SO MUCH AT HOME-WHEN GOD LOOKED DOWN & SMILED AT ME-FROM HIS GREAT GOLDEN THRONE, HE SAID “THIS IS ETERNITY” AND ALL I’VE PROMISED YOU—TODAY YOUR LIFE ON EARTH IS PAST AND HERE LIFE STARTS ANEW. I PROMISE NO TOMORROW FOR TODAY WILL ALWAYS LAST-SO SINCE EACH DAYS THE SAME DAY – THERE’S NO LONGING FOR THE PAST. YOU HAVE BEEN SO FAITHFUL, SO HONEST & SO TRUE, THOUGH THERE WERE TIMES YOU DONE SOME THINGS – YOU KNEW YOU SHOULDN’T DO. BUT YOU HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN AND NOW AT LAST YOU’RE FREE SO WON’T YOU COME AND TAKE MY HAND-AND SHARE THIS LIFE WITH ME.

SO WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME-DON’T THINK WE’RE FAR APART-

FOR EVERY TIME YOU THINK OF ME-I’M RIGHT THERE –IN YOUR HEART

       July’s Child

The fireworks race toward Heaven,

 brilliant colors in the sky.

 Their splendor ends in seconds

  on this evening in July.

“Her birthday is this Saturday,”

I whisper with a sigh...

She was born this month,

she loved this month,

and she chose this month to die.

Like the bright and beautiful fireworks

glowing briefly in the dark,

they are gone too soon,

and so was she…

having been, and left her mark.

A glorious, incandescent life,

a catalyst,

a spark…

Her being gently lit my path,

and softened all things stark.

The July birth,

the July death

of my happy summer child

marks a life too brief

that ended without rancor, without guile.

Like the fireworks that leave images

on unprotected eyes,

her lustrous life engraved my heart

with love that never dies.

Sally Migliaccio in memory of her daughter, Tracey,.

From the TCF of Babylon, NY chapter newsletter, Summer 1998

I Believe…

 I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge—

That myth is more potent than history.

I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts—

That hope always triumphs over experience--

That laughter is the only cure for grief.

And I believe that love is stronger than death.

Robert Fulgham

Did you know...

 
that in 1776, there were 2.5 million people

living in the newly independent America?

Did you know...

that in 2008, there are over 304 million people

living in America?

Did you know...

that Americans import $207 million worth of fireworks

from China for their 4th of July pyrotechnic shows?

We export, on the other hand, just $14.9 million in fireworks.

“To commiserate is sometimes more than to give, for money is external to a man’s self,

but he who bestows compassion communicates his own soul.”

William Mountford, Cleric

1816-1885

   

Sibling Stuff

 

A Journey To The “New Normal” 

 

             May 31 marked seven years since my only sibling Dave died from cancer at age 32.  This June 28 we would have been celebrating Dave’s 40^th birthday with a big party, and I’d be kidding him about going bald, just like all the Snepp men before him.  Instead, I’ll be getting ready for the TCF National Conference, at which I’ll share memories of his brilliance, great smile, and sense of humor with those who will never have the pleasure of meeting him in person.

              At this point in my grief journey, most will be good memories of how Dave lived, rather than bad memories of how he died.  I can’t recall the moment when that shift of perspective occurred, but I would like to share a few memories and milestones that have marked the way:

            ●Months after Dave died, I went to the movie “Big”, starring Tom Hanks, and “lost it” when his mother stared out the window wondering if she’d ever see him again.  I watched the movie again recently and didn’t lose it.
            ●It was three months before I felt up to sharing with anyone the details of the day my brother died at his home in Bellevue, Washington, in the company of Mom, Dad, and me.  On the way home from that emotional conversation, I drove the wrong way down a one way street in downtown Chicago—it might be smart to have a friend drive you to your first few TCF meetings!
            ●I discovered that the grief path is not a straight line.  A few good days can be followed by several bad ones.  I’ve heard other TCF members call this their “roller coaster ride”.

            ●For a year, I couldn’t keep the radio on if “Wind Beneath my Wings” came on.  For the next year, I kept it on but cried through it.  Now, I can usually make it all the way through without any tears!

            ●With the help of TCF, I realized that despite friends expecting it to be possible, I’d never be “back to normal.”  My focus instead shifted to finding my “new normal”.  While I can’t point to a time when that happened (probably after the 1990 TCF Conference), THAT was a milestone.

            ●For three Christmases after Dave died, I didn’t put up a tree in my condo.  For Christmas, 1991, as I was getting out ornaments for my first tree since his death, I came across a bunch of ornaments that he had had in his apartment.  I came totally unglued then, but now I look forward to seeing those ornaments each Christmas.

            ●It was three years before I felt that I had enough emotional energy to pursue a relationship.  Even now, I don’t have a lot of tolerance for guys I go out with that gripe about their brothers or sisters.

             My most vivid “landmark” to date along my grief journey came in February, 1993.  Following my Dad’s father’s death in December, 1992, we were in Atlanta cleaning out my grandfather’s apartment, and I came across a pile of post cards and letters that Dave had written to my grandparents through the years.  Earlier in my journey, a “blind side” such as that would have sent me into a tailspin.  In this case, though, my immediate reaction was one of happiness, for I had found a part of Dave that I didn’t know I still had!  I saved a few of the post cards, sent a couple to my cousin who was referenced in some of the letters, and (amazingly) threw the rest away.  It was fun to share the memories, but I didn’t feel the need to hang on to them.  It was at that point, nearly five years after Dave’s death, that I truly felt as if I was closing in on that “new normal.”

Karen Snepp is a bereaved sibling and has served on TCF’s Board of Directors, and was TCF’s first sibling to become president of the board.

Reprint policy: Proper attribution must be given to the author and We Need Not Walk Alone, the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends ©1995

 

 

 

World Environment Day, commemorated each year on June 5th, is one of the principal vehicles through which the United Nations stimulates worldwide awareness of the environment and enhances political attention and action. The World Environment Day slogan for 2008 is Kick the Habit! Towards a Low Carbon Economy. Recognizing that climate change is becoming the defining issue of our era, UNEP is asking countries, companies and communities to focus on greenhouse gas emissions and how to reduce them. The World Environment Day will highlight resources and initiatives that promote low carbon economies and life-styles, such as improved energy efficiency, alternative energy sources, forest conservation and eco-friendly consumption.

World Environment Day, commemorated each year on June 5th, is one of the principal vehicles through which the United Nations stimulates worldwide awareness of the environment and enhances political attention and action. The World Environment Day slogan for 2008 is Kick the Habit! Towards a Low Carbon Economy. Recognizing that climate change is becoming the defining issue of our era, UNEP is asking countries, companies and communities to focus on greenhouse gas emissions and how to reduce them. The World Environment Day will highlight resources and initiatives that promote low carbon economies and life-styles, such as improved energy efficiency, alternative energy sources, forest conservation and eco-friendly consumption.

Keynote Speakers  ♥      Dr. Frank R. Lewis—a surviving sibling, speaker, author, and pastor who for 10 years led the sibling support group of The Compassionate Friends of Las Vegas.       ♥      Bruce Murakami—whose remarkable story about how he has bonded and teamed with      the drag racing teen who ended the life of his wife and daughter was made into the            Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Crossroads: A Story of Forgiveness.            ♥      Darrell Scott—whose daughter was the first to die at Columbine was inspired to start                   “Rachel’s Challenge” in her memory, a program so far presented at more than a                   thousand high schools designed to inspire kindness and compassion.              ♥      Ann Hood—bereaved parent, is the award winning author of nine novels including                                                                        Comfort: My Journey Through Grief.

 

 

Chapter News & Notes

Our next steering committee meeting is on July 25, 2008 at 5:30 PM We will cookout, swim and plan for the future for our chapter at Lynne & Bill Marlow’s home, 19 Lombardy Rd., Turnersville, NJ, 08012. Please consider joining us and help plan activities, meetings, etc. for our chapter.  Call Lynne at 401-9167 by Wednesday, July 23rd if you are planning to come. Hope you’ll join us for socialization and planning.

Notes from the Editor

Some housekeeping information for everyone...from Bobbi

♥ I have had to disappoint a few readers in the past couple of months...they wanted to have a heart shaped frame on page 3 of the newsletter for their child in their birthday month, but I received the message too late to accommodate their wishes or they wanted me to publish something from them in a newsletter which had already gone to press.  If you would like anything published in the newsletter for a specific date, please have the information to me by snail mail (Bobbi Stagliano, 1 E. Chestnut Ave., Merchantville, NJ 08109) or e-mail newslettertcfcamdencountynj@comcast.net by the BEGINNING OF THE THIRD WEEK OF THE MONTH BEFORE THE DATES YOU WOULD LIKE BE A PART OF. The dates are way in advance because we need to give the kind people at John and Patti Murabito’s office plenty of time to print our newsletter.  This donation of paper and printing is a very special donation which saves the newsletter crew (Tony & me) many hours of work and saves the chapter a great deal of money since we don’t have to print much on the chapter copier.  So, please expect deadlines to be observed. If you remember, but don’t have enough time to meet this deadline, call me at 856.662.2672 and tell me what you want or need published and we can work it out on the phone.

                    We need the help and support of our long-time members to help those families who come out each month and are so crushed by the recent death of their child, or sibling or granchild.  As Mari Downey reminded all of us, “we need the seasoned members to keep coming to meetings...they bring sunshine to others.

                  “TCF gives me a sense of purpose.  A good enough reason for you to consider sticking around a while after you feel you have reached an acceptance or at least worked through your grief. Others need you.  Pass the love on—adopt a bereaved parent!”

Fay Harden, TCF - Tuscaloosa, AL

CAN YOU HELP?  Do you remember your first meeting of The Compassionate Friends, those first months of your grief journey?  You desperately needed someone to talk to, someone who knew the pain of losing a child, someone to hug you, cry with you, listen to you. And there are newly bereaved parents who now need your help. Are you willing to be there for them? If two years or more have passed since the death of your child, and you feel that you are ready to give back some of the support that was shown to you, please consider a place of service in our chapter. There is a job for everyone. Don’t wait-call Lynne or Mari (see the phone numbers on page 1). If you can’t serve, please, at least, come to meetings to lend your support and understanding to our newly bereaved families.  We have had so many new members join us the past few months.  We need all the help we can get to help them. Thank you from all of our children.

Our chapter purchased a library cart and a kitchen supplies cart last year.  Any family who would like to have a plaque placed on one or both of these carts may do so...the cost is $25.00 for one plaque. The wording is limited.  You may call (856.662.2672) or e-mail newslettertcfcamdencountynj@comcast.net Bobbi Stagliano with your wording and arrange payment through our treasurer. This will help offset the chapter's costs for these two cabinets and will provide a permanent memento at all TCF meetings of your child.

        Do you have any of the chapter’s library books?  If so, please return them so that other bereaved families can read them.  The help you have received from the books is good to share with others.

        Have you brought in your child’s picture(s) to be included in our chapter’s Photo Albums?   

Charlene Lefebvre has done such a terrific job on the first two albums and has started a third one.  So,

if you haven’t gathered those pictures yet, bring them in with notes about the things your child liked,

enjoyed, whatever.  Charlene will customize their pages in the album and bring back some really terrific

memories to share with other TCF families.

    We have a chapter Button making machine.  If you would like  to have picture buttons made, bring a picture to the meeting with you and Bobbi  will take it home, scan it and make buttons for you.  There is no charge for this.  You will get your picture back, unharmed.  So, bring your pictures to the  next meeting. 

MODERATED CHATS FOR BEREAVED PERSONS

ON THE TCF NATIONAL WEBSITE

If you are interested in grief chats, go to www.compassionatefriends.org. The chat features offered through the main TCF national website have undergone some renovations. To use the new chat capability click on the link on the left hand column classified as “Online Support Community”. Then click on “Register for Online Support Community”. Enter a nickname you will remember. Then enter a password. When your nickname and password are accepted, follow the instructions provided.

Pay attention to the schedule to find your topic of interest. Sessions are scheduled at various times during the week in several categories including: general bereavement, sibling, bereaved one year or less, bereaved two years and under, pregnancy loss and infant death, no surviving children, survivors of suicide, bereaved two years and over. More categories are anticipated as users become more familiar with the new system. Chuck Collins, one of our regional coordinators, moderates a general bereavement session every Monday night from 9:00-10:00. He invites you to try out the new system.

    Helping Hands Grief Support Group meets the 1st & 3rd Mondays of each month from 7-9 PM at Fellowship Alliance Chapel in the log house in back of the church at 199 Church Rd., Medford,  NJ.  Call Wanda Stein at 609-953-7333, ext. 309 with questions or to get more information.

Have you purchased your TCF blue bracelet yet?  They are available at each meeting.  The cost is $2.00. 

We wish the children of our chapter whose birthdays are in July a "Happy Birthday".

We wish the families of those children peace and wonderful memories of their child on their child's birthday.

THE BIRTHDAY TABLE              

No rustling tissue paper,

scattered ribbons, or burst balloons,

no shouts of Happy Birthday,

break the silence in this room.

Nonetheless, a birthday has rolled round again,

though the beloved children who reveled in the cheer

no longer blow the candles out

at the turning of the year

Loving hands may bring

a photograph of that precious life to share

and place it on the Birthday Table

with utmost tenderness and care

For though the world may not recall

the laughter or the joys

we treasure every memory

of our birthday girls and boys.

By Frankie Wilford

TCF, Carrollton-Farmers Branch, Texas

JULY BIRTHDAYS

SHOSHANA NUSBAUM             

SEAN MATTHEW KENNY         

THOMAS D. MOORE                   

JEROME LOMURNO                   

NICOLE PEKARICK                     

FRED E. ADAMS                           

LUCAS J. BIEHLER (LUKIE)     

JAMES A. MANZI         

FLORENCIO MOLINA        

MILDRED POLANCO            

MICHAEL EPIFANO                       

KEVIN ROBERT  KELLY                   

CRAIG FUSCO                                        

JOE BOTTINO, JR.                               

DANIEL ROBERT SILVERMAN                

ERIC SUSSMAN    

DEVIN EMIG    

JENNIFER LEE FEYT                    

MICHAEL REILLY      

JULY  "ANGEL-VERSARY"  DATES

MAGGIE MCDONNELL                      

JAMES MARTIN COLEMAN                 

CURTIS GANO                                  

CHRISTOPHER ACHENBACH              

 RICKY  WELDON                                   

BRETT KORNHAUSER

CORY GOLIS

JENNIFER MCCLELLAND

MARC SMITH 

JOHN MAGGI                                           

AARON SHAUN FISHMAN                 

CONNIE LYNN ROESCHER         

KAREN VATURI                                       

KRISTINA DAMM

CHRISTA LIBBY

Amelia Earhart’s Birthday

July 24

Question???

Which term do you prefer for the date your child died?

 “Remembrance Date”

 “Heaven Date”

 “Angel-versary Date”

 E-mail Bobbi with your preference.

Our Mission: To assist families in the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child  and to provide information and education to help others be supportive.

The vision of The Compassionate Friends is that everyone who needs us will find us and everyone who finds us will be helped.

Frequently asked questions about the Compassionate Friends:

1.  Is there a cost or membership fee to join the Compassionate Friends?

    There is no charge for newsletters, membership or meetings. 

2. Who runs local chapters of TCF and who facilitates meetings?

    Bereaved families...volunteers who have lost a child of any age from any cause both run chapters and facilitate meetings.

3. Is there any religious affiliation with the Compassionate Friends?

    No.  Some members have a strong faith in various faiths while others have no faith.  Religion is reflective of personal values and faith-each individual will have the right to share how their faith or lack thereof has influenced them in coping with the death of their child.

4. If I attend a meeting, do I have to speak?

    No. You may speak, but it is not required.

5. How often does the Camden County NJ chapter meet?

    Once a month, on the third Friday of each month.

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